Tunes and Artists

Fail to snog the bird/bloke from accounts who you thought fancied you and you invited along in the hope of finally getting some rumpo after all these lonely, godforsaken years? Go home and cry? Thought so. Well, take heart because at least you’re not ELTON JOHN. What a miserable birthday the poor lad had this year. All his mates – including BILLY JOEL, CHRIS REA, NEIL TENNANT, JANET STREET PORTER, BRIAN MAY, CHARLIE WATTS, JASON ORANGE, RONAN FROM BOYZONE, BOB GELDOF, TONY MORTIMER and EVERY FAMOUS PERSON ALIVE TODAY turned up at his fancy dress 50th birthday ball dressed like twats. Elton arrived in a removal van the inside of which was done out like a Louis The Somethin’or other boudoir with rugs, antique paintings, flimsy furniture and three strapping ‘servants’ in togas. His costume was so grossly extravagant that his pompadour made him over nine feet tall and the train on his satin bedjacket was 15 feet long, hence the need for the lorry limo. And not because he’s a stinking rich fat bastard or anything… 3 COLOURS RED and GENE were spotted at GOLD BLADE’s 100 Club show… sorry, we mean ELASTICA, NEIL HANNON, SHARLEEN FROM TEXAS, GENE, KENICKIE, GENEVA, EMMA LUSH and CRADLE OF FILTH all came out of the closet as fully paid-up members of the SUEDE fanclub when they turned up at the Suedester’s Obsessionists Only gig at the Kentish Town Forum at the weekend. Those ever-flamboyant Kenickie girls proved themselves to be the biggest Suedettes in the world by screaming the words to the entire B-sides-only set and bullying everyone in the balcony to “get up and dance, yer wusses!”